Wednesday, October 13, 2004

PHONE SEX II

By Stockton


Her: Hello?
Me: Hi! I'd like a big, blond black girl, please.
Her: What?
Me: What?
Her: A big, blond black girl?
Me: Your ad said, "Big girls, Blond girls, Black girls". I'd like a big, blond black girl.
Her: We don't have any.
Me: Oh. But your ad...
Her: We have big girls, blond girls and black girls.
Me: Do you have big blonds?
Her: Yes.
Me: Big black girls?
Her: Yes.
Me: Do you have a blond wig lying somewhere?
Her: (sigh)....Sure, here it is.
Me: Go put it on a big black girl.
Her: Fine, a-----e!
Me: What?
Her: Nothing. I'm big and black and I'm wearing the wig.
Me: How do I know that?
Her: oh, my god. Trust me. What would you like me to do?
Me: What are you doing now?
Her: I'm performing oral sex on you.
Me: Then how come you don't sound like, "I pfrmmn mowil thex om moo."?
Her: You know it's $8.99 a minute.
Me: Click.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

TWEED POSES FOR THE LADIES

Go Crazy Ladies




Monday, September 13, 2004

Trying to Make Friends

By Tweed

I don't have many guy friends and I believe men need male friends. So, I found a nice little bar and hoped it would turn out to be a Cheers type of place. You know, with a Sam type bartender and a Norm and Cliff.

The place was called 'The Manhole'. I thought that sounded masculine, so I went in. The place was crawling with men - really buffed up, well dressed men. Great, I thought, maybe I can figure out how to dress well and get my body in shape so I can be like those guys on the Dockers commercials. And we'll talk sports and cars and women.

But that didn't happen.

These guys were into Dungeons & Dragons stuff and the Hobbitt and Elves; and lots of games with funny names. In fact, that's all anybody wanted to talk to me about - these wierd games I've never heard of.

I was asked to play 'The Angry Dragon', which I declined. Next was an offer to ride the "Fister"(apparently a ride they keep out back that requires constant oiling). Again I declined. I get nauseous on any type of ride. I especially hate those Tea Cup rides at Six Flags.

Then guys started talking about Shafts of Power and other Tolkien nonsense.

This place was not my kind of scene. But I must admit I got somewhat curious. Everyone there seemed pretty happy - and there was a lot of male bonding going on. I kind of began to wonder what it would be like to get all oiled up for "Get the Wood Elf," or "Wizard Staffing."

After a few drinks I decided that this might be a good place to hang out. I'm thinking about heading there next week. Everyone seemed pretty happy and told me I needed to loosen up a bit and to bring some oil next time. I'm hoping its for an all girl wrestling contest.


Saturday, September 04, 2004

Things to Do List before Orgy

By Stockton

My Things to do List Before the Orgy

1. Plan menu (I'm thinking Mexican, lots of Jalapenos etc)

2. Scotch-Guard everything

3. Find 12 women (have enough guys, don't know why)

4. Write out invitations (don't use list of people invited to kids First Communion)

5. Buy orgy favors/gift bags

6. Hide candles and any other insertables

7. Balloons (don't forget the balloons)

8. Decide on sit down dinner or buffet

Sunday, August 29, 2004

INSECURITY

By Stockton

I'm involved with a very beautiful woman. Sometimes I just get so insecure about her and other men. I know she loves me and would never cheat on me. Still, sometimes I get so suspicious about what she's doing and then I feel like an idiot once I find out what's really going on.

Example. The other day, I was accidentally going through her locked drawers. I came across something that looked like this:





I know what you're thinking. I was thinking the same thing. My lovely lady has gotten involved in....sky diving. I was shocked and I confronted her when she came home.

"You're jumping out of planes," I said, accusingly, thrusting the body harness in her face.

She just laughed and gave me a big hug. "You silly man. I'm sorry I kept it from you, but I've been engaged in high altitude construction work. That's my safety harness."

It's an odd career change for a cosmatologist but why would she lie. See, once again, I was suspicious over nothing.

"By the way," I told her, "we got more phone messages for a Mistress X. When will they realize they have the wrong number."



THANK GOD!

A Massachusets Court ruled Friday that wearing underwear and nothing else in public is not indecent.

We beg to differ.



Oh boy, do we beg to differ.



Friday, August 27, 2004

SALUTE TO THE OLYMPICS

We're not sure what event this is, but we thought it really showed the spirit of the Olympics.

You're all Gold Medalists in my book


Wednesday, August 25, 2004

FIRST TIME PHONE SEX

By Stockton

I recently had my first phone-sex experience. I just don't get it. It hurt very badly and Dr. Smithback, at the Emergency Room, told me I should "get a new phone or sterilize my old one" and "re-evaluate your life."

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